Your arms wrapped around me and suddenly I was home.
But most of all, I like to watch people. Sometimes I ride the subway all day and look at them and listen to them. I just want to figure out who they are and what they want and where they are going.
And I think the first sign you notice when you begin to gain feelings towards a person, is just how easily you get jealous when they give others the attention which you crave.
One day it just gets better. There’s no explanation or reason why . You just wake up and you’re not angry anymore.
You’re a lot happier than me, and you often don’t understand why I’m so tired.
I love you.
I’ve grown to love you, gradually,
because even though we’re family, love
is slow to learn.
I’ve forgiven you for all the times you were mean
because I was 13 and weird and I didn’t wear makeup
and all my clothes were ugly and I wore those clunky Mudd shoes
and didn’t brush my hair.
I know you didn’t mean it, it was just the friends you had.
I love you.
I grew up and only had enough friends to count on one hand.
I still can.
then I found movies.
then I found out I could sing.
I found out I was good at writing so long
as no one was looking.
I found out that I could look pretty
if I put make-up on and acted better.
I found out that I could be enough,
that your approval, though wanted,
And as I spent all this time growing up,
trying to be a hundred different people
in a hundred different ways with a hundred
I realized that you were growing up, too,
and we moved and you made better friends.
We still fought all the time because
you never closed my door all the way
you stole all my clothes and you yelled a lot,
but you were growing up.
I woke up one day and realized
that I could be funny if I wanted to be
and you laughed at all my jokes,
you told me I was a good singer,
you took the train with me
to go audition in the city,
and you waited in the Starbucks while they told me I was great,
but that they couldn’t take me.
You took me out to dinner afterwards
and told me that it took luck, not talent
and I really did feel better then,
even though it usually takes more than that.
We’re a lot older now, and I’ve found out all
these things about myself that
make it easier to be alone.
We share a room at school like we did when we were kids
and we haven’t fought in weeks,
and you listen to me when I speak,
you even offered to go into the city
with me again for the same auditions
even though they’re on a Saturday and
we’d have to wake up at 5:30 a.m.
You’re a lot happier than me,
and you often don’t understand
why I’m so tired,
but you laugh it off with me and
ask if I can drive you to class after my nap
because the buses take too long and your foot hurts.
So I do,
and we listen to your music that I sometimes like
and I remember that things don’t have to be so
heavy all the time.
I remember that love is slow
that love whispers
“it’s okay, we’ll be better than we were.”
and we are.
… I’m always a little sad, even when I’m happy.
When you kissed me, all I tasted was cigarettes and self hatred.
My life is made up of ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like I have to apologize to people, to things, to life itself. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry to be here’. I don’t want to disturb anyone.